Friday, July 9, 2010

“What’s Up? I’ll Tell You What’s Up!”

Or, the alternative title, “The Company That Shall Not Be Named"

Yes, I know, it’s been waaaaaay too long since my last post. But quit your nagging already – I’ve been busy! And while I have a few more posts in the early stages of drafting, this post is generally about my new job. So, hang onto your hats because we’re about to go on a journey of discovery filled with amazing adventure…okay, not really. It’s mainly just me blathering on and on about nothing in particular. You might want to get a strong cup of coffee first.

Eleven weeks ago I started my new job at a company that everyone knows if they have a credit card. The odd thing is that technically I can’t identify the company because of our internal policies. And it doesn’t look good if I identify the company in violation of our company policies considering I’m in the legal department; more specifically, I’m a member of the privacy office. Yeah, that wouldn’t be good. While I’m sure that this is just me being a little tight-assed about company policies (which is ironic given my self-described moral flexibility in other areas of my life), I still would hate to be made an example if this became a bigger issue. So, let’s just say that I now work for the company whose little four-letter brand is on many, MANY credit cards around the world. For ease of this blog, I shall henceforth refer to my employer as “The Company” which sounds far more ominous and mysterious than it really is…trust me.

I have to admit that my first couple of weeks were more frustrating than anything. The number of meetings was overwhelming and prevented me from doing a lot of the projects I was assigned. The other enormous obstacle was not knowing the terminology or the acronyms or peoples’ names even. The question “what the hell have I done?!” came into my head more than once during those first days and I kept asking myself if I should have even made this move. Most people who are not in the legal field have no idea what a big change this was; I went from doing securities litigation at a law firm to working inhouse doing corporate privacy law. It’s a 180° change that most people don’t make. To be honest, I didn’t realize that until I finished my first week.

But slowly the meetings decreased and while I don’t know all of the terminology or acronyms or names yet, I am slowly but surely learning and getting to a more comfortable place. So, given all of that back-story, here are a few of my observations:

1. Not being required to bill time rocks! No more worrying that I spent too much time talking to the department’s admin about shoes and how that’s going to negatively impact my billable hours! (Yes, at first glance that seems like an inefficient use of time, but as a new person in the department it’s a good idea to get to know people – especially an admin whose been with The Company for 22 years. She knows where the bodies are buried and how to work the system.)

2. Holy crap, I work for the nicest people in the world and it’s a little creepy! For the first month I kept thinking that no one could be that nice and that there had to be a catch or maybe this was really a test or maybe there was a hidden camera or maybe I was the subject of a Twilight Zone episode. This week, my boss brought me a bottle of maple syrup from his vacation in New Hampshire. I mean come on – how many bosses bring their staff a souvenir?!? Oh how law firm life jaded me so…

3. I’ve never seen so much bureaucracy and red tape in my entire professional career! I needed to request access to get a profile to be able to sign up to access the office supplies system so I could order post-its. Argh.

The last notable observations all involve The Company’s desire to be green. Simply put, the bathrooms freak me out…

4. The toilets are the kind that automatically flush. Unfortunately, the auto toilets have a mind of their own and they keep flushing while you’re trying to pull your pants up. I feel like I’m being rushed.

5. The toilets also flush with such an insane amount of force and is so loud that I worry about the decibel level causing irreparable hearing loss. That would be one weird workers’ comp claim for sure.

6. All five of the toilet seat covers in the women’s restroom are loose. The toilet seats in stalls one and four are particularly loose to the point of falling off so I avoid those stalls if at all possible. Again, that would be a weird workers’ comp claim.

7. The automatic towel dispensers are haunted. After one towel comes out, I’ll take it and start wiping my hands. But then suddenly it dispenses more! Do I take it and use more paper towel than I really need even though my hands are still a little wet?!? Oh the moral dilemma facing is overwhelming! Okay, I’ll take the towel. But then suddenly it dispenses more even though I’m not standing anywhere near the sensor! What madness has possessed the towel dispenser?!? It’s like the devil is trying to push me to the dark, wasteful side by tempting me with more paper towels. Weird.

So, that’s about it for now. And don’t worry, there will be more very Christy-esque (a.k.a. odd and of no importance) posts. There are just too many weird thoughts, ideas and observations swirling around in my head not to put them written form.

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