“We Pay a Person the Complement of Acknowledging His Superiority Whenever We Lie to Him” - Samuel Butler

or the alternative title, “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!”

As far back as I can remember, I've noticed.  I've noticed people, places, and things.  I've noticed events, actions, and movements.  I've noticed sights, sounds, and colors.  I've noticed faces, expressions, and looks.  And I've noticed truths, half-truths, and inconsistencies.  In sum, I've noticed lies.

This skill, or whatever you'd like to call it, is something that I have never admitted to having and I play down how much I truly notice.  To be honest, I often play dumb because for whatever reason it’s sometimes just easier.  Those who truly know me already know this.  But someone who doesn't know me (or thinks they know me when they really don't) thinks that I can be told a lie and I'll never find out.  Fool.

I'm sure you've already figured out that someone lied to me.  And I'm sure you've already figured out that I knew it was a lie.  You might think that this post is a rant about how angry I am, but it really isn't.  Actually, if I had to quantify my feelings I would say that I'm roughly 30% angry and 70% disappointed.  And if I were to further subdivide the 30% angry portion, it would be 10% angry that this person didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth, 10% angry that this person lied to me about something so trivial, and 10% angry because lying about something that's so easily verified insults my intelligence!  Allow me to explain in graph format:

The disappointment portion is the part that really hurts because I knew this person was lying to me at the time the lie was being told.  On top of that, I’m also disappointed because I was being lied to about something that was so insignificant and unimportant; if this person had told me the truth it wouldn't have mattered one bit.

The disappointment proportion is also made up of some of the same insulting-my-intelligence part that was included in the 30% angry portion.  Why would someone who knows that I'm pretty smart and knows that I'm at least fairly observant think that I wouldn't know I was being lied to?  The obvious answer is that this person wanted to be caught.  But, knowing this person as I do, I really don't think that's the case.  Instead, I think this person was just being lazy and it was easier just to use the first lie that came to mind.  The fact that the truth was so easily verified had nothing to do with choosing the lie.  So, in fact my intelligence was insulted not only because it was a dumb lie to tell because verification was a mouse-click away, but also because this person was too lazy to even try to tell a decent lie to me.

And so my friends, once again my inner battle between having a more positive view of the world (or at least a less negative one) and the belief that people suck was made more difficult. 

But soon after the above disappointing event, I met someone whose gentleness and humility has helped make that positive view of the world so much easier to see...



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“How Have I Displeased You, Oh Car Gods?”

or the alternative title, "My New Car Is A Piece Of Crap"

Okay, so the title alternative title isn't very creative but it conveys what I feel better than any other clever play on words that I could imagine. I hate my new Toyota Camry. But I'm trying to get my bitching over with and just live with it until I can trade it in for a proper German car.

So to be succinct (at least as much as I can be), I'm simply going to list my reasons (and a little commentary) for hating that hunk of junk:

1. It's wimpy and has zero power.  I redlined it getting on the freeway on an onramp that's really short. It's an automatic!!!

2. It's an automatic!!!  I use to have a connection with my cars; we worked together in a quiet synchronicity that only those with manual transmissions would understand.  That's gone now...sigh.

3. The suspension is mushy and the handling is like trying to swim in pea soup.  The last 5 miles of my commute are on a windy road through the Oakland hills and I LOVED driving it in my Passat. Now it’s a chore; I’d almost prefer sitting in the freeway traffic but that would prolong sitting in the piece of crap by about 15-20 minutes.

4. The brakes are scary and if you apply the slightest amount of pressure to them the seatbelt locks up. If you push the gas in too much too fast, the seatbelts lock up.  The accelerating thing wouldn't be a problem except the windows are tinted and I have to turn my head a little more to merge but I can't lean forward because the seatbelt has locked up! 

(And as a side note, I had to return it to the dealership after having it for a whole week because the steering column was shaking when you applied pressure to the brakes. I already knew the problem was the rotors but I didn’t tell them I knew that. They said they replaced the brakes and rotors even though they told me that they didn’t find anything wrong. Bullshit.)

4. The antenna is useless.  Some of the San Francisco radio stations don’t come in very well WHEN I’M IN SAN FRANCISCO! Now don’t start with the whole it-depends-on-where-the-transmission-tower-is-thing (yeah, I saw that episode of WKRP in Cincinnati too!) because I don’t care. It was never a problem in my VWs so what’s the problem with this car?

5. The seats are uncomfortable and the headrest is tilted so far forward that I can’t wear a ponytail with a plastic clip; I can only wear a rubberband type ponytail holder otherwise I get a stiff neck.  Yes, it’s adjustable, but I’ve adjusted it as far as it’ll go. I’ll bet you money that the group of Toyota designers didn’t include any women.

Yes, I could continue. But I’ll spare everyone the pain since most have heard me bitch since the day I picked up the car. So this post will be the last time I complain about it. Given that, did I mention that I hate this car? Allow me to repeat: I HATE MY NEW CAR!

I have to admit that I’m also a little tired of people asking “well then why did you buy it?” I bought it because I was tired of hearing the noises in the front-end of my Passat getting louder and louder. And while it may not be an issue for most, I was completely done worrying about breaking down and the realization that I don’t have that one person who I can call and know that they’ll drop everything to pick me up. I know that I could call either of my two brothers, or my Mom or a variety of friends, but I don’t know if they’re at work, in a meeting, at home or away on vacation or whatever. While yes I have people I can call, I don’t know if it’ll take one call or ten calls to various folks to see who is able to come and get me. And unfortunately, that’s a long way from the security of knowing exactly who to call and that they’re in their car at a moment’s notice.

There, I admitted it. Stop asking.

Bottomline is that I wish I could love this car, but the cons completely outweigh the pros. And the bummer is that I used to LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to drive but now my Camry is just a vehicle that can get me from point A to point B.

I can’t wait to trade in this piece of crap…


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"Ponder This"

or, the alternative title "Whoa, That's Way Deep.  Cool.  Wait...What?"

A couple of weeks ago a friend and I were sitting on my couch imbibing in wine (and stuff) and our conversation took a very deep, philosophical turn. Yeah, it surprised the hell out a me too.  But I decided to put this out there for all to ponder.

The question I pose to the four people who actually read this is: if we as humans abide by certain moral and/or ethical rules, prohibitions, standards, or whatever you'd like to call them, does the reason you abide by a particular rule matter, or does the reason not matter so long as you abide by the rule? Allow me to provide an example.

It's well established that murder is wrong. I think we can all agree on that setting aside any of the outlying arguments about abortion, capital punishment, justifiable homicide in self-defense, etc. But why don't we murder?  I would argue that most people would respond by saying that the taking of another human's life is morally and ethically wrong and contrary to acceptable societal rules. But what if the sole reason we don't kill others is solely because of the consequences; we're afraid of getting caught?

The question then is if it's morally wrong to kill a person, does it matter the reason?  Is it wrong that we don't kill someone because the reason doesn't follow moral guidelines?  Or, does the reason not matter; only the result or lack of a result in this case?  I argue that the reason doesn't matter if the end result is the same. 

My friend was surprised that I took the position that so long as people abide by basic human moral and/or ethical rules then why they abide by those rules is irrelevant.  I didn't think there was anything about which to be surprised.  The bottom line is that no matter the reason, the outcome is the same: a human being doesn't die.  To the potential dead  guy, I don't think the reason would matter either so long as that person gets to remain alive.

So there you have it folks, the outcome of a bizarre conversation is an open-ended question of what I would consider moral philosophy.  Hopefully I've finally given y'all a post that gives food for thought instead of posts about dead salamanders and decades old paper clips.  Just don't expect this kind of deep thought will happen too often...it would start hurting my brain if I had to think that much.



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“What’s Up? I’ll Tell You What’s Up!”

Or, the alternative title, “The Company That Shall Not Be Named"

Yes, I know, it’s been waaaaaay too long since my last post. But quit your nagging already – I’ve been busy! And while I have a few more posts in the early stages of drafting, this post is generally about my new job. So, hang onto your hats because we’re about to go on a journey of discovery filled with amazing adventure…okay, not really. It’s mainly just me blathering on and on about nothing in particular. You might want to get a strong cup of coffee first.

Eleven weeks ago I started my new job at a company that everyone knows if they have a credit card. The odd thing is that technically I can’t identify the company because of our internal policies. And it doesn’t look good if I identify the company in violation of our company policies considering I’m in the legal department; more specifically, I’m a member of the privacy office. Yeah, that wouldn’t be good. While I’m sure that this is just me being a little tight-assed about company policies (which is ironic given my self-described moral flexibility in other areas of my life), I still would hate to be made an example if this became a bigger issue. So, let’s just say that I now work for the company whose little four-letter brand is on many, MANY credit cards around the world. For ease of this blog, I shall henceforth refer to my employer as “The Company” which sounds far more ominous and mysterious than it really is…trust me.

I have to admit that my first couple of weeks were more frustrating than anything. The number of meetings was overwhelming and prevented me from doing a lot of the projects I was assigned. The other enormous obstacle was not knowing the terminology or the acronyms or peoples’ names even. The question “what the hell have I done?!” came into my head more than once during those first days and I kept asking myself if I should have even made this move. Most people who are not in the legal field have no idea what a big change this was; I went from doing securities litigation at a law firm to working inhouse doing corporate privacy law. It’s a 180° change that most people don’t make. To be honest, I didn’t realize that until I finished my first week.

But slowly the meetings decreased and while I don’t know all of the terminology or acronyms or names yet, I am slowly but surely learning and getting to a more comfortable place. So, given all of that back-story, here are a few of my observations:

1. Not being required to bill time rocks! No more worrying that I spent too much time talking to the department’s admin about shoes and how that’s going to negatively impact my billable hours! (Yes, at first glance that seems like an inefficient use of time, but as a new person in the department it’s a good idea to get to know people – especially an admin whose been with The Company for 22 years. She knows where the bodies are buried and how to work the system.)

2. Holy crap, I work for the nicest people in the world and it’s a little creepy! For the first month I kept thinking that no one could be that nice and that there had to be a catch or maybe this was really a test or maybe there was a hidden camera or maybe I was the subject of a Twilight Zone episode. This week, my boss brought me a bottle of maple syrup from his vacation in New Hampshire. I mean come on – how many bosses bring their staff a souvenir?!? Oh how law firm life jaded me so…

3. I’ve never seen so much bureaucracy and red tape in my entire professional career! I needed to request access to get a profile to be able to sign up to access the office supplies system so I could order post-its. Argh.

The last notable observations all involve The Company’s desire to be green. Simply put, the bathrooms freak me out…

4. The toilets are the kind that automatically flush. Unfortunately, the auto toilets have a mind of their own and they keep flushing while you’re trying to pull your pants up. I feel like I’m being rushed.

5. The toilets also flush with such an insane amount of force and is so loud that I worry about the decibel level causing irreparable hearing loss. That would be one weird workers’ comp claim for sure.

6. All five of the toilet seat covers in the women’s restroom are loose. The toilet seats in stalls one and four are particularly loose to the point of falling off so I avoid those stalls if at all possible. Again, that would be a weird workers’ comp claim.

7. The automatic towel dispensers are haunted. After one towel comes out, I’ll take it and start wiping my hands. But then suddenly it dispenses more! Do I take it and use more paper towel than I really need even though my hands are still a little wet?!? Oh the moral dilemma facing is overwhelming! Okay, I’ll take the towel. But then suddenly it dispenses more even though I’m not standing anywhere near the sensor! What madness has possessed the towel dispenser?!? It’s like the devil is trying to push me to the dark, wasteful side by tempting me with more paper towels. Weird.

So, that’s about it for now. And don’t worry, there will be more very Christy-esque (a.k.a. odd and of no importance) posts. There are just too many weird thoughts, ideas and observations swirling around in my head not to put them written form.




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